JOKES !!!...

BEST JOKES EVER
MORE JOKES
Yes, and by the way, here are also some French jokes, or in other words ...
"Voici par ailleurs quelques bonnes BLAGUES" !...

Best Joke Sites Ever

THE 100 FUNNIEST JOKES OF ALL TIME
EBAUMSWORLD
Some Clean Jokes
Joke of the Week

BEST JOKES EVER

Its Natural
Dreaming Numbers

Playing the game
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
http://www.bluedonut.com/jokes.htm

Can you give me a push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's p*****ing down out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'


The man, being married, does as he is told, of course, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk


The cowboy and the potato
In the far West, three robbers attempted to rob a bank. But just as they came outside the bank carrying bags of money, the sherrif and his men suddenly storm the street facing the bank. The three robbers managed to use the few seconds they had left to hide themselves : one behind a pig, one behind a cow, and one behind a bag of potatoes. As the sheriff's men started carefully inspecting the place, trying to find them, one of them passed just beside the pig, so the first robber said « oink, oink » ! The cowboy then went further, until he got to the point where the cow was. The second robber then uttered « Moo ! », and the cowboy was fooled again. Finally, as this one was coming closer to the potato bag, the third robber said : « Potato ! Potato ! »

Big John doesn't pay!
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got
on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms
hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at
the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three,
thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big
John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay,
and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of
him. finally he could stand it no longer. He signed
up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all
that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite
strong; what's more, he felt really good about
himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" The
driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, " And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
" Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in
the first place before working hard to solve one."

Riddles

What is big, small and white ? The moon !



FIVE RIDDLES
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about
it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
 
Try to do so without any coaching!

 
 
 
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph!


THE GIRAFFE TEST
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?

Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.

The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.

2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?

Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?
Wrong  Answer.
Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals    
Attend  .... Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?

Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and 
You  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?

Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.


According to       Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the 
Professionals  they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers.     Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old. 

Send  this out to frustrate all of your smart  friends..
PS: Just the fact that I sent  it to you should make you feel  good.



English speaking

A student learning to speak English is walking in the street, and some English speaking friend asks him : « Hey, what's up ? ». The student first looks above his head, then answers : « Nothing's up ! »...


Absurd jokes

The Two Muffins
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Oh my God ! It's so hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Oh my God !... A talking muffin!"

The Two Eggs
Two eggs were being fried in a pan. One turns to the other and says, "Gosh, it's so hot in here!" The other egg says, "Just wait and you'll see ! They're gonna smash your head off !"

The Chicken
- Why did the chicken cross the road ?

- To get to the other side !

Writing a letter to oneself
A guy is writing a letter to himself. Someone asks him : what is it about ? The other answers : « I don't know ! I'll be receiving it in only 2 days ! »...

I wouldn't want to be born in the U.S.A. And you know why ? Because I don't speak English !


Businesss jokes



Hotel Inquiry‏
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: “Sir:  I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.  I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill."
"Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


School jokes

Purchased or Homemade?
Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother then asks laughingly, "But what in all that makes you feel ashamed ?"
 
"I just couldn't tell them we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

Kids Are Quick   . . . .
____________________________________

 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:
      Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS:      
 Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:        
You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong

GLENN:      
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:  What are you talking about?

DONALD:    
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

 

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:     Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:  
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

 

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE:          I is..

TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:          
All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.
 
______________________________________
 

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:      
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
 

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :      
No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:       A teacher


Word play

What do two meat loafs say to one another when they meet each other ? « Nice to meat you ! »


Actual puns

How did you find school ?
It was at the same place as yesterday !

What's black, white and red ? Newspapers ! (Since it is being red all over !)

One-liners


One-Liners

I remember the day of my conception. I went to a picnic with my Father and came home with my Mother.

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY:
 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"





Political humor

The Bull and the Pheasant
On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on a field.

The bull was grazing and the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull---- the perfect partnership. Looking at the huge tree at the edge of the field, the pheasant said, "Alas, there was a time I could fly to the topmost branch of the tree. Now I do not have enough strength in my wings to even get to the first branch."

The bull said nonchalantly," Just eat a little bit of my dung every day, and watch what happens. Within two weeks, you'll get to the top."

The pheasant said, "Oh come on, that's rubbish. What kind of nonsense is that?"


The bull said, "Try it and see. The whole of the humanity is not onto it."

Very hesitantly, the pheasant started pecking. And lo, on the very first day , he reached the first branch. Within a fortnight, he had reached the topmost branch. He sat there, just beginning to enjoy the scenery.

The old farmer, rocking in his rocking chair, saw a fat old pheasant on the top of the tree. He pulled out his shotgun and shot the bird off the tree.

Moral of the story: bullshit may get you to the top, but it never lets you stay there !

Inner engineering.
Sadhguru


NOAH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Buffalo and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future
costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
Illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."



Worldwide Survey
Socialism - Good on Paper, Not in Reality...

Religion



Have Faith My Friend
 
I recently went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

 The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.

 
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

I said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

I believe in all Religions now...


Satan and The Engineer

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of
comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
Hell has air conditioning,
flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with
next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up
here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

The man who gave up sex for Golf

 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
 
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
 
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
 
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get a birdie on this one."
 
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
 
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes his birdie.
 
On the final hole, the golfer needs an eagle to win.
 
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
 
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
 
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.  I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
 
"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Football in heaven?



Where is God?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 9, are excessively mischievous.
 
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their neighbourhood , the two boys are probably involved. 
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. 
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. 
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 
"Do you know where God is, son?" 
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. 
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 
"Where is God?! 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" 
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his wardrobe , slamming the door behind him. 
When his older brother found him in the wardrobe , he asked, 
"What happened?" 
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 
"We are in BIG trouble this time!" 
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Conjugal humor

The Lie Detector Robot

A genie offers to grant a wish to a man of 45 years old, who then says : « I wish to be with a woman who is 20 years younger ». The next day, he wakes up and realizes he is now 65 years old !...

A blonde 911 call

A blonde woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle

and accidentally shoots him.
She immediately dials 999.
Operator :   “ what is the nature of the emergency”
Blonde woman:   “It’s me husband!
I’ve accidentally shot him,  I’ve killed him! ”
Operator:   “ Please calm down Ma’am. 
Can you first make sure he is actually dead! “
*click*…*BANG*
Blonde woman:   “Okay, I’ve done that……….what now?”


Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . .. Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another.They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair



Mrs Betty Crocker

 A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?
http://www.bluedonut.com/jokes.htm

One boy cannot understand why a lady prefers her husband to him. So he asks her : « What does he have that I don't have ? », to which she simply answers : « Me ! »...

The secret of a long-lasting marriage
At the celebration held in honor of his 70th wedding anniversary, a man is asked by a younger member of the family : « What is the secret of a long-lasting marriage ? ». The old man then answers him :
- It's a magic formula that is made of two words only !
- And what are they, please ?
- Yes, honey !

(or in other words...)
What is the one sentence that can save your mariage ?
Yes, my dear !

What would you most want to save ?
A married woman asks her husband : « What would you most want to save ? Your life, or my life ?
- My life !
- What ? You're so selfish ! How could you say that !
- Well, if I would save my life first, it's only for you ! Because my life is your life, isn't it ? »

Damn income taxes!
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"


Blonde jokes

The gritter
A blonde lady is driving behind another vehicle, and stops with it at a red light. She then walks out of her car and goes ahead to speak to the other driver, and tells him : « Watch out ! You're loosing stuff ! ». She gets back to her car, the light turns green and both vehicles keep following each other, until they reach another red light. Once again, the blonde girl walks out of her car and tells the driver in front of her : « Hey ! Watch out ! You're really loosing a lot of stuff ! ». Finally, the blonde girl returns to her car and keeps following the other vehicle, until they get to a third red light. For a third time, the blonde girl then goes out and tells the other driver « Aren't you listening to me ? You're gonna be loosing all your stuff ! ». Then an old man, who is just passing by, goes to the blonde girl and tells her « Excuse me, it's just that you're following the gritter »...
Funny Epitaphs

Funny Epitaphs‏

#############
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went. 
 
################################
 
There's one other epitaph of note. On the tombstone of a nun:


Here lies Sister Mary Margaret

For her hell hath no terrors

Born a virgin, died a virgin

No hits, no runs, no errors

COWBOY TOMBSTONE


Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.



Old age jokes


A postmortem wish
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" 
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference to people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Perfect Eyesight


The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."



Neverending jokes

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
> monastery.
> He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
> 'My car broke down.
> Do you think I could stay the night'?
> The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
> fix his car. As
> the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
> sound like no
> other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
> monks what the
> sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you.
> You're not a monk'.
> The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
> about his merry way.
> Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
> same monastery.
> The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
> That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound
> that he had heard
> years earlier.
> The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks
> reply,
> 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
> The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to
> know. If the only way I
> can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how
> do I become a
> monk'?
> The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us
> how many blades of
> grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
> you find these
> numbers, you will become a monk'.
> The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later,
> he returns and
> knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have
> travelled the earth
> and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
> what you had asked
> for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
> 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
> The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and
> now you are a monk'.
> 'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
> The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
> monk says, the sound
> is behind that door.
> The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He
> asks, 'May I have
> the key'?
> The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
> Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The
> man requeststhe
> key to the stone door.
> The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a
> door made of
> ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide
> it. Behind that
> door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it
> went until the
> man had gone through doors of emerald,...
> >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
> Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last
> door'.
> The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns
> the knob, and
> behind that door he is astonished to find the source of
> that strange sound.
> It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
> . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're
> not a monk.

> DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
> I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris...
Can divide by 0
His tear can cure cancer.
Can count to infinity

Ozzy may tear off the head of a pidgeon, but Chuck Norris can tear off the head of a Siberian Tiger.
God created the Earth in 7 days... But Chuck Norris created God just like that !...

Why does the year start in January ? Because Chuck Norris was born in January !...

    


Irish jokes

St-Patrick and the genie
St-Patrick and his friends, embarked in their great mission to convert Ireland, get lost on sea while paddling in their little boat. Suddenly, St-Patrick finds a bottle, opens it and thus frees a genie who then offers to grant him one wish, whatever it is. The holy man answers : « I want the sea to be turned into Guiness ! », and his dream is instantly fulfilled through a flick of the fingers by the genie, after which the supernatural being just disappears. Then, of the man's comrades tells him : « Great job, Patrick ! Now, we've got to pee in the boat ! ».

Whisky filtering
Two Irish men are discussing what they believe should be the proper way to bury a friend who just died. The first of them tells the second : « You want to know what it the best way for an Irish fellow to honour a dead friend ? You buy the best bottle of whisky and pour it over his grave so it can soak into his bones. » The second Irish man then asks the first : « Great, but before the whisky reaches the ground, is it OK if I filter it through my kidney ? »

Two sober Irishmen out of a bar
It's the story of two sober Irishmen who get out of a bar... Don't laugh ! It could happen !...

An Irish proverb
"Finish your drink... There are sober kids in Africa !"...

Jokes of somewhat bad taste

Dear Mum letter...
*A *mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up.  Then, she saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum', with the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a  row with Dad and
you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would  not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.  We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
that Stacy can get better.  She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love,
Your son,
Nicholas.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk"
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home


The archery contest
There once was a great archery contest opposing the two greatest archers in the world, namely Robin Hood and Guillaume Tell. To demonstrate his skill, Guillaume Tell started by placing an apple over the head of a woman, as he always used to do, then walked a hundred yards from her, and shot in her direction an arrow that went straight in the middle of the apple. While everyone was staring at him in amazement, he then shouted : « I'm Guillaume Tell ! ».

Not even impressed, Robin Hood then put another apple over the head of the woman, walked 200 yards from her, and his arrow also went right in the centre of the apple. As everyone was aghast, he simply said : «And I'm Robin Hood ! ».

But now there was in that place a phony man who thought he was better than everyone else in the world. So he stepped upon the scene, placed an apple over the head of the woman who was starting to feel a bit nervous, then walked no less than 300 yards from her, and then shot his arrow in her direction. However, the arrow did not reach the apple, but rather went right through the woman's head. A cry of horror then erupted from the audience, and finally, the phony man simply said « Well.. I'm sorry ! »...

Slightly vulgar

REINCARNATION
Hedge Clippers

5 Minute Management Course  

Lesson 1 :  
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :  
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'     
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii   , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3 
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'  
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'     
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.   It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:  
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...  

Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.     
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.    
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!       

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it! 


Sex jokes


The Nude Runner‏

"Oh my God, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"  "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
 
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
 
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.  As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
 
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
 
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
 
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
 
"Oh, yes", our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked: 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?
 
"Nope; just when it's raining."

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy. 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered. 
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Vulgar