Playing the game
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to
his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one
hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over
and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters
and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid
never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the
same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son!
May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and
replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is
man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's
p*****ing down out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man, being married, does as he is told, of course,
gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk
The cowboy and the potato
In the far West, three robbers attempted to rob a bank. But just as
they came outside the bank carrying bags of money, the sherrif and
his men suddenly storm the street facing the bank. The three robbers
managed to use the few seconds they had left to hide themselves :
one behind a pig, one behind a cow, and one behind a bag of
potatoes. As the sheriff's men started carefully inspecting the
place, trying to find them, one of them passed just beside the pig,
so the first robber said « oink, oink » ! The cowboy then
went further, until he got to the point where the cow was. The
second robber then uttered « Moo ! », and the cowboy was
fooled again. Finally, as this one was coming closer to the potato
bag, the third robber said : « Potato ! Potato ! »
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got
on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms
hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three,
thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big
John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay,
and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of
him. finally he could stand it no longer. He signed
up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all
that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite
strong; what's more, he felt really good about
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" The
driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, " And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
" Big John has a bus pass."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in
the first place before working hard to solve one."
What is big, small and white ? The
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He
has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third
is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she
holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5
minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner
together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red
when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days
without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm
curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual
though. Study it and think about
it, but you still may not find anything
odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Try to do so without any coaching!
ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three
years are dead.
one was easy, right?
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture
of her husband,
it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water;
Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
Sure you can name three consecutive days,
yesterday, today, and
The letter "e" which is the most common letter
used in the English
does not appear even once in the paragraph!
THE GIRAFFE TEST
There are 4 questions.
Don’t miss one.
How do you put a giraffe into a
think about it and decide on your answer
before you scroll down.
correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put
in the giraffe, and close the door. This
question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.
How do you put an elephant into a
you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
giraffe, put in the elephant and close the
door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your
The Lion King is hosting an animal
conference. All the
Except one. Which animal does
: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in
there. This tests your memory.. Okay,
even if you did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you still have one more
chance to show your true abilities.
There is a river you must cross but it is
used by crocodiles, and
do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the
crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from
Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of
tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct
Consulting says this conclusively proves the
theory that most professionals do not have
the brains of a four-year-old.
out to frustrate all of your smart friends..
the fact that I sent it to you should make
you feel good.
A student learning to speak English is walking in the street, and
some English speaking friend asks him : « Hey, what's up
? ». The student first looks above his head, then answers :
« Nothing's up ! »...
The Two Muffins
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One turns to the
other and says, "Oh my God ! It's so hot in here!" The other
muffin says, "Oh my God !... A talking muffin!"
The Two Eggs
Two eggs were being fried in a pan. One turns to
the other and says, "Gosh, it's so hot in here!" The other egg says, "Just wait and you'll see !
They're gonna smash
your head off !"
- Why did the chicken cross the road ?
- To get to the other side !
Writing a letter to oneself
A guy is writing a letter to himself. Someone
asks him : what is it about ? The other answers : « I don't
know ! I'll be receiving it in only 2 days ! »...
I wouldn't want to be born in the U.S.A. And you know why ?
Because I don't speak English !
A man wrote a letter to a small
hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his
much like to
bring my dog
with me. He is
and very well
you be willing
to permit me
to keep him in
my room with
me at night?"
from the hotel
wrote: “Sir: I've
this hotel for
many years. In
all that time,
I've never had
a dog steal
I've never had
to evict a dog
in the middle
of the night
And I've never
had a dog run
out on a hotel
dog is welcome
at my hotel.
And, if your
dog will vouch
to stay here,
Purchased or Homemade?
Six year old Annie
returns home from school and says she had her first family
planning lesson at school.
mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
died of shame!" she answers.
from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
mother then asks laughingly, "But what in all that makes you
feel ashamed ?"
just couldn't tell them we were so poor that you and daddy had
to make me yourselves!"
Kids Are Quick
. . . .
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do
it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is
wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground
than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...
'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't
have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person
who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
What do two meat loafs say to one another when they meet each other
? « Nice to meat you ! »
How did you find school ?
It was at the same place as yesterday !
What's black, white and red ? Newspapers ! (Since it is being red
all over !)
I remember the day of my conception. I went to a picnic with my
Father and came home with my Mother.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who
runs behind car gets
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines
who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw
to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes
Man who fish in other man's well often catch
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger
Bull and the Pheasant
a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on a field.
bull was grazing and the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull----
the perfect partnership. Looking at the huge tree at the edge of the
field, the pheasant said, "Alas, there was a time I could fly to
the topmost branch of the tree. Now I do not have enough strength in
my wings to even get to the first branch."
said nonchalantly," Just eat a little bit of my dung every day,
and watch what happens. Within two weeks, you'll get to the
The pheasant said, "Oh come on, that's
rubbish. What kind of nonsense is that?"
bull said, "Try it and see. The whole of the humanity is not
hesitantly, the pheasant started pecking. And lo, on the very first
day , he reached the first branch. Within a fortnight, he had
the topmost branch. He sat there, just beginning to enjoy the
The old farmer, rocking in his rocking chair, saw
a fat old pheasant on the top of the tree. He pulled out his shotgun
and shot the bird off the tree.
of the story: bullshit may get you to the top, but it never lets you
stay there !
In the year 2011, the Lord
came unto Noah,
Who was now living in
Buffalo and said:
"Once again, the earth has
become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end
of all flesh before me."
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good
He gave Noah the blueprints,
"You have 6 months to build
the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for
40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord
looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but
no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged
Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the
About the need for a
"My neighbors claim that I've
Neighborhood By-Laws by
building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the
height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning
Committee for a variance."
"Then the Local Council and
the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the
costs of moving power
lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's
move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming
to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another
problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in
order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the
owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the
animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals
against their will. They
Argued the accommodations
were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in
A confined space."
"Then the Environmental
Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve
a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my
"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the
people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I
can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only
Union workers with
"To make matters worse, the
Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it
would take at least 10
Years for me to finish
"Suddenly the skies cleared,
the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched
across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and
"You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to
- Good on Paper, Not in Reality...
Have Faith My Friend
recently went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.
Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of
Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.
Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God
Almighty, you will walk today!
told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk
snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs
said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"
Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The
Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
believe in all Religions now...
and The Engineer
dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of
starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
has air conditioning,
flush toilets and escalators. The engineer
is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan,
"So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey
things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
going to come up with
God is horrified. "What?
You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have
gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Satan says, "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff. I'm
"Send him back up here or I'll sue."
right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a
The man who gave up sex for
A golfer is in
a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
"Boy, I'd give
anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a
stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer
also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.
later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like
to get a birdie on this one."
stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes his birdie.
On the final
hole, the golfer needs an eagle to win.
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth
giving up the rest of your sex life?"
the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer
is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I am Satan, and from this day
forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies,
"I'm Father O'Malley."
Two little boys, ages 8
and 9, are excessively mischievous.
always getting into trouble and their parents know if any
mischief occurs in their neighbourhood , the two boys are
mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys.
agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon.
a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know
where God is, son?"
mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
Again, the boy
made no attempt to answer.
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home &
dove into his wardrobe , slamming the door behind him.
When his older
brother found him in the wardrobe , he asked,
brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG
trouble this time!"
missing, and they think WE did it!"
A genie offers
to grant a wish to a man of 45 years old, who
then says : « I wish to be with a woman who
is 20 years younger ». The next day, he
wakes up and realizes he is now 65 years old
A blonde 911 call
A blonde woman is cleaning her husband’s
and accidentally shoots him.
She immediately dials 999.
Operator : “ what is the
nature of the emergency”
Blonde woman: “It’s me
I’ve accidentally shot him, I’ve
killed him! ”
Operator: “ Please calm down
Can you first make sure he is actually
“Okay, I’ve done that……….what now?”
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for
After all the background
And testing were done, there
were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI
agents took one of
The men to a large metal
door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will
Instructions no matter what
Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . .. Kill
The man said, 'You can't be
serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're
not the right man
For this job. Take your wife
and go home.'
The second man was given the
He took the gun and went
into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears
in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's
turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill
her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one After
another.They heard screaming,
Banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened
slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from
'This gun is loaded with
blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the
Mrs Betty Crocker
One boy cannot understand why a lady prefers her husband to him. So
he asks her : « What does he have that I don't have ? »,
to which she simply answers : « Me ! »...
A newlywed couple moves into their
new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his
wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of
the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he
comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't
start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for
me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another
few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a
leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the
roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like,
Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof
is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife
what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,"
she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he
snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I
either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what
kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty Crocker?
The secret of a long-lasting marriage
At the celebration held in honor of his 70th wedding
anniversary, a man is asked by a younger member of the family :
« What is the secret of a long-lasting marriage ? ». The
old man then answers him :
- It's a magic formula that is made of two words only !
- And what are they, please ?
- Yes, honey !
(or in other words...)
What is the one sentence that can save your mariage ?
Yes, my dear !
What would you most want to save ?
A married woman asks her husband : « What would you most want
to save ? Your life, or my life ?
- My life !
- What ? You're so selfish ! How could you say that !
- Well, if I would save my life first, it's only for you ! Because
my life is your life, isn't it ? »
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates.
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away
because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he
might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid,
ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David
decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity
in heaven. So off he goes
with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy.
As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with
an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money." They both shake their
heads in understanding and figure that they might as well
hang out together to help pass the time.
David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along,
minding their own business when they see someone who looks
like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely
gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold.
Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that
it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this
unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these
Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not
complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my
life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man
could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that
I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex,
she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
A blonde lady is driving behind
another vehicle, and stops with it at a red light. She then
walks out of her car and goes ahead to speak to the other
driver, and tells him : « Watch out ! You're loosing stuff
! ». She gets back to her car, the light turns green and
both vehicles keep following each other, until they reach
another red light. Once again, the blonde
girl walks out of her car and tells the driver in front of her :
« Hey ! Watch out ! You're really loosing a lot of stuff
! ». Finally, the blonde girl returns
to her car and keeps following the other vehicle, until they get
to a third red light. For a third
time, the blonde girl then goes out and tells
the other driver « Aren't you listening to me ? You're
gonna be loosing all your stuff ! ». Then an old man, who
is just passing by, goes to the blonde girl and tells her
« Excuse me, it's just that you're following the gritter
In a Thurmont,
Maryland , cemetery:
lies an Atheist, all dressed up
Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
children of Israel wanted bread,
Lord sent them manna.
the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Uniontown,
Pennsylvania , cemetery:
lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
on the gas instead of the brake.
epitaph in England :
lies an honest lawyer,
that is Strange.
grave in Enosburg Falls ,
lies the body of our Anna,
to death by a banana.
wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
the skin of the thing that made her go.
In a cemetery
man, as you walk by,
you are now, so once was I.
I am now, so shall you be,
this and follow me.
someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
follow you I'll not consent,
I know which way you went.
other epitaph of note. On the tombstone of a nun:
Sister Mary Margaret
For her hell
hath no terrors
Born a virgin,
died a virgin
No hits, no
runs, no errors
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in
the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A
important to have a woman who helps at home,
from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
important to have a woman who can make you
important to have a woman who you can trust,
doesn't lie to you.
important to have a woman who is good in bed,
likes to be with you.
very, very important that these four women
know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Old age jokes
A postmortem wish
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference to
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At
least I don't have AIDS."
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
> He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
> 'My car broke down.
> Do you think I could stay the night'?
> The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
> fix his car. As
> the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
> sound like no
> other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
> monks what the
> sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you.
> You're not a monk'.
> The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
> about his merry way.
> Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
> same monastery.
> The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
> That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound
> that he had heard
> years earlier.
> The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks
> 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
> The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to
> know. If the only way I
> can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how
> do I become a
> The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us
> how many blades of
> grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
> you find these
> numbers, you will become a monk'.
> The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later,
> he returns and
> knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have
> travelled the earth
> and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
> what you had asked
> for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
> 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
> The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and
> now you are a monk'.
> 'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
> The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
> monk says, the sound
> is behind that door.
> The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He
> asks, 'May I have
> the key'?
> The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
> Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The
> man requeststhe
> key to the stone door.
> The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a
> door made of
> ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide
> it. Behind that
> door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it
> went until the
> man had gone through doors of emerald,...
> >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
> Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last
> The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns
> the knob, and
> behind that door he is astonished to find the source of
> that strange sound.
> It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
> . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're
> not a monk.
> DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
> I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Can divide by 0
His tear can cure cancer.
Can count to infinity
Ozzy may tear off the head of a pidgeon, but Chuck Norris can tear
off the head of a Siberian Tiger.
God created the Earth in 7 days... But Chuck Norris created God just
like that !...
Why does the year start in January ? Because Chuck Norris was born
in January !...
St-Patrick and the genie
St-Patrick and his friends, embarked in their great mission to
convert Ireland, get lost on sea while paddling in their little
boat. Suddenly, St-Patrick finds a bottle, opens it and thus
frees a genie who then offers to grant him one wish, whatever it
is. The holy man answers : « I want the sea to be turned
into Guiness ! », and his dream is instantly fulfilled
through a flick of the fingers by the genie, after which the
supernatural being just disappears. Then, of the man's comrades
tells him : « Great job, Patrick ! Now, we've got to pee in
the boat ! ».
Two Irish men are discussing what they believe should be the
proper way to bury a friend who just died. The first of them
tells the second : « You want to know what it the best way
for an Irish fellow to honour a dead friend ? You buy the best
bottle of whisky and pour it over his grave so it can soak into
his bones. » The second Irish man then asks the first :
« Great, but before the whisky reaches the ground, is it OK
if I filter it through my kidney ? »
Two sober Irishmen out of a bar
It's the story of two sober Irishmen who get out of a bar...
Don't laugh ! It could happen !...
An Irish proverb
"Finish your drink... There are sober kids in Africa !"...
Jokes of somewhat bad taste
Dear Mum letter...
*A *mother passing
by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made,
and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed,
'Mum', with the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
It is with great
regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new
girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a row with
I've been finding
real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
would not approve of her, because of all her
tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.
But it's not only
the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
having many more
Stacy has opened
my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
other people in
the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime,
we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
that Stacy can get
better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum,
I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure
we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
P.S. Mum, none of
the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I
wanted to remind
you that there are worse things in life than the
report that's on
I love you!
Call when it is
safe for me to come home
The archery contest
There once was a great archery contest opposing the two greatest
archers in the world, namely Robin Hood and Guillaume Tell. To
demonstrate his skill, Guillaume Tell started by placing an
apple over the head of a woman, as he always used to do, then
walked a hundred yards from her, and shot in her direction an
arrow that went straight in the middle of the apple. While
everyone was staring at him in amazement, he then shouted :
« I'm Guillaume Tell ! ».
Not even impressed, Robin Hood then put another apple over the
head of the woman, walked 200 yards from her, and his arrow also
went right in the centre of the apple. As everyone was aghast,
he simply said : «And I'm Robin Hood ! ».
But now there was in that place a phony man who thought he was
better than everyone else in the world. So he stepped upon the
scene, placed an apple over the head of the woman who was
starting to feel a bit nervous, then walked no less than 300
yards from her, and then shot his arrow in her direction.
However, the arrow did not reach the apple, but rather went
right through the woman's head. A cry of horror then erupted
from the audience, and finally, the phony man simply said
« Well.. I'm sorry ! »...
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll
give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be
in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and
the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit
like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I
haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied
the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched
at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began
to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor
to take it!
The Nude Runner
my God, Hurry! Grab your clothes
and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!" "I
can't jump out the window. It's
raining out there!"
my husband catches us in here,
he'll kill us both! He's got a hot
temper and a gun, so the rain is
the least of your problems!"
the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs
his clothes and jumps out the
window. As he ran down the
street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the
middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the
others, about 300 of them. Being naked
with his clothes tucked under his arm,
he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while, a small group of
runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer.
you always run in the nude?" one asked.
yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels
so wonderfully free!"
runner moved a long side. "Do you always run
carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes", our
friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home!"
Then a third
runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked: 'Do
you always wear a condom when you run?
When you're from
the country, your perception is a little bit different.
"Nope; just when it's
A farmer drove to a
neighbor's farmhouse and
knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the
"Is your dad or mom home?"
said the farmer.
"No, they went to
town" said the boy.
"How about your brother,
Howard? Is he here?" asked
"No, he went with
Mom and Dad" the boy
The farmer stood there for
a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to the
other, and mumbling to
"I know where all the
tools are, if you want to
borrow one, or I can give
Dad a message" said the
"Well," said the farmer
uncomfortably, "I really
wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my
daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for
"You would have to talk to
Dad about that. I know he
charges $500 for the bull
and $50 for the pig, but I
don't know how much he
charges for Howard."