These classified ads were really put in the paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month.. Wife knows everything.
Here is the
Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to
4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good
13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at two or three in the
morning and cannot be
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in
which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Isn't this what the world is short
of, the courage to be sanely insane?!
> > To Maintain A Healthy Level
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
> > Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
> > 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour
> > Voice. ! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask
> > If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee
> > Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their
> > Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo
> > Field Of All Your Cheques, (or checks in the US)Write '
> > For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk
> > and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water
> > whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify
> > That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing
> > Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your
> > Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a
> > headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream
> > 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start
> > Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your
> > Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over
> > Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let
> > One Of You Go.'
> > And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
> > 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE
> > COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Economic Stimulus payment defined
payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
your stimulus check wisely:
. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras
. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or
4. beer or
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale
drink beer all day.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I
just lie there.
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The aut opsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
the best for last:
Doctor, before y ou performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Test of Three
Keep this philosophy in mind the next
time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
>> I somehow think they're kidding??
>> Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics,
>> these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
>> Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an
>> International Tourism Website.
>> Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
>> Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (
>> England )
>> A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
>> Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
>> A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
>> Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad
>> tracks? ( Sweden )
>> A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
>> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
>> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>> Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a
>> of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
>> A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
>> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (
>> USA )
>> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da
>> is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
>> every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
>> Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
>> we'll send the rest of the directions..
>> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
>> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
>> A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
>> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
>> Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>> Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
>> A: No, WE don't stink.
>> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where
>> I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>> Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
>> population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
>> A: Yes, gay nightclubs..
>> Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Only at Thanksgiving.
>> Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
>> round? (
>> Germany )
>> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
>> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its
>> name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
>> A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
>> anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
>> with human urine before you go out walking.
>> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>> A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first..
>> Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy
>> as much as I did.
REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT ..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points
or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7.) It comes in cute containers
He got an A
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life a nd time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!
Okay, Okay, it
all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them
I"m not surprised.....
FULL BODY SCANS AT CANADIAN and USA AIRPORTS:
Airport Screening Results
March 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.